Pregnancy Tests

They're expensive, those piss sticks. Not sure why. I mean, I don't know how they work -- a girl pees on them, and you either get one line or two. Obviously there's some kind of chemical inside it, that is affected by pregnant piss. But what kind of chemical is that expensive?

Maybe they just make them pricey because they have you over a barrel. Your woman is FLIPPING OUT because she thinks she's knocked up. She wants to know what's going on right goddamn now. And as a chivalrous, modern male, you're supposed to pay for the pregnancy test. Those are the rules. I think they even covered this in a very special issue of GQ.

"Pregnancy Tests: Must You Pay?"

Yes, you must.

Last time I checked, a pregnancy test is around $25. And the last time I bought one, the woman insisted I buy a second one, just to be on the safe side. That's $50 to ease her conscience -- and she then refused to believe the tests and we ended up going to a walk-in clinic. I blew $50 so you could then drag me to the doctor? We could have done that first!

Come to think of it, this means pregnant pee is different. Shouldn't you be able to taste the difference? They should train pharmacists in this kind of thing.

"Here's my girl's pee. Is she pregnant or not?"

And the pharmacist gargles the piss for a few seconds.

"Dude, you're totally in the clear. Not pregnant."

Or maybe they could equip every pharmacy with a piss sniffing dog. Just hold the urine up for Lassie to take a whiff. One bark yes, two barks no.

Not that I am into pee at all, but which do you think tastes better: regular pee, or pregnant pee?

This is why I'll never be in charge of handing out government grants. I have all these really stupid questions I want answered that no one else cares about.

Out of curiousity, I just did a google search to find out how expensive pregnancy tests are. I found this helpful answer on Yahoo! Answers.

"They're a dollar in a dollar store, maybe $7.00 in a drug store, and Planned Parenthood offers free or cheap pregnancy tests but you have to make an appointment."

They sell pregnancy tests in dollar stores? What kind of a cheap, uncaring bastard do you have to be to buy a pregnancy kit at a dollar store? Yeah, I know I was just complaining that they charge way too much for these things, but, a dollar?

"Honey, come on, we're on a budget!"

Or maybe this way you can have twenty of them in the medicine cabinet.

Now I want to get one. Not for Michelle to use. For me. I want to pee on a stick. It's pointless -- I may look pregnant, but I never will be pregnant.

Maybe if I eat a lot of a particular food, I can get a false positive on a pregnancy test. Like, brussel sprouts or something.

How awesome would that be? Michelle comes home from work, and I come out of the bathroom saying:

"Honey, I've got some bad news for you."

And she looks at the pee stick and it indicates I am pregnant.

I am a mean, mean person. I apologize in advance.