Giant Vagina

Everyone wants one this season.

Pork Chop World

You smell wrong. Not bad, necessarily. Wrong. Off, slightly. Like you're milk going sour, or butter gone a little rancid. I don't mean this to be insulting. I just...

Maybe it's me. My nose might be malfunctioning. People say I'm overly sensitive to smells.

"Smell that?"

"What?"

"Sort of sweet. Barbecue, maybe. A block away?"

"I don't smell anything."

That happens to me all the time. And turned out not to be barbecue, in that particular case. A daycare was on fire.

Anyway.

Off. Sour. Bad. Like you're rotting inside. Do you feel rotten? Is there something wrong with you? Maybe your gallbladder has gone funny. You know how sometimes internal organs just fail? When they do, they rot. I wonder why?

Have you been eating something you shouldn't? Maybe there's something rotten in your guts.

Maybe you've been thinking bad ideas? Have you had any weird dreams lately, about meat?

I dreamt last night I was in a city made out of pork chops. Were you there too? You kind of smell like pork chops. Maybe that's it. You and I in the land of pork chops. Only I was smart enough to dream about taking a shower before I woke up. That's why I don't smell and YOU do.

Dream hygiene. It's important. Think about it.

In the land of pork chops, I saw a baby made of pork chops playing with a puppy made of pork chops. And I thought to myself...

How can these people stand it? They're all made of pork chops! How do they stop from eating each other? Or even eating themselves? Why isn't this child EATING this puppy? Why isn't this puppy EATING the child? Or the floor? Or the building?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE CREATURES? That's what I wanted to know.

Anyway. Stop crying. Stop crying or I'll hit you again. Look, if you want me to untie you, you're going to have to start answering my questions. I can't figure out these things on my own.

I promise to let you go. See? I promise. There. Now chill the fuck out and help me make sense of this pork chop world.

Quick Pornography Rant

Have you ever been at one of those stupid drunken parties, and there's a fairly unattractive young woman who is desperate for attention and love, and she takes her shirt off? And instead of being aroused or titillated, it's just kind of sad and embarrassing. But there's always one guy who loves that sort of crap -- or maybe he's just really drunk. And he yells:

"WOOO!"

Because for him, breasts are always exciting, no matter what the context.

It could be a woman whose shirt is on fire, and she's taking it off so she doesn't burn to death and he'd be saying, "That's right bitch, take it off. Oh yeah!"

She could be 80, and it would make no difference. "That's right, grandma! Work it!"

We could be at a funeral parlour, and one of the workers preparing the corpse of an 80 year old woman starts taking her shirt off, and this guy would go, "Oh yeah! Gonna see some titties! Pretty excited about it!"

A lot of porn is like this:

There's the sad, attention-seeking girl, taking her shirt off. She's not into it. She looks miserable. And it's just embarrassing.

And standing right behind me is the guy screaming "WOOO!"

He's trying to tell me how exciting and arousing this is, but he's wrong. This is sad.

And sure, I clicked some buttons on the Internet, and that's how I now find myself in this situation. I did it to myself. All the same, for a brief moment, it's all very horrifying.

But then I click a few buttons, and a genuinely interesting and attractive woman pops up, and I yell out "WOO!" and it's all okay again.

That's all.