Silence = Death

I'm sitting there, listening to Ed spewing bullshit, silently disagreeing with him. Actually telling Ed I disagree seems like too much effort. Ed will argue with me for hours, and I don't have the energy. So instead I think, "I don't agree with that, but I'll just wait until Ed talks about something else."

Of course Ed takes my silence to mean agreement. Which is fine. Who cares if Ed gets me wrong? Sure, it could make for complicated relations down the road, when he finds out I was just humouring him. So what?

Only now, the real horror of that situation strikes me -- on some level, listening politely while silently disagreeing isn't enough. Ed's ideas leak in. Ed's beliefs leak in. Years from now, sitting down and contemplating my beliefs, I'll find little crumbs of Ed scattered through my brain.

I asked a friend, "Is this really how people work? Is it just me? Am I crazy?"

She said it happens to her too -- particularly with her mother.

It could be a friend, a boss, some "expert". It could be anyone. But parents seem like the most obvious example. Growing up, they influence us in a billion different ways that never fully register. It takes a lot of insight and personal exploration to realize just how much of mom and dad's bullshit shaped who we are today. Beliefs and biases creep in, and we could not even know it.

I don't know that there's any way to prove my silent disagreement notion. Sure, there are studies on cognitive dissonance and all that. This feels different. It could explain how advertising works. Or how society unites as a whole. Maybe even how the Nazis got their death camps. It's not about force, and it's not entirely about authority.

It's about being polite, and silently judging, without taking any action. Maybe politely biting our tongues does more than just keep the peace. Maybe it lets other people's beliefs leak into our heads.

This is probably why we should yell at our television when it tells us something stupid. It stops the stupid at the door. Maybe a conversation is more than just talking. Maybe it's a telepathic rearranging of the furniture in our heads. If you let someone in, and rearrange the furniture, you're doing yourself a disservice.

You can't just think, "That couch shouldn't be against that wall. This woman is an idiot!"

It's your couch. Grab it, and put it back, or risk terrible feng shui in your own head.

At work, everyone is losing their minds about the H1N1 swine flu virus. Purell is everywhere. When I turn my computer on in the morning, I get a screen that gives me facts about the virus. (Washing my hands is supposed to save my life.) My boss tells me she's working on an emergency plan on the off chance we experience 100% staff off sick.

A coworker says to me, "Oh, thank goodness for Purell! When I leave the bathroom, I open the door with a paper towel. There are germs on the doorknob, you know. And why don't they have Purell in the servery rooms? That's where it should be."

I'm not letting this craziness in my head, I thought. And I'm going to politely disagree.

"You know, there are studies that say all this antibacterial soap and ooze is getting into the environment, killing off weaker bacteria, allowing the more serious stuff to take over. That's why some antibiotics aren't working any more. Purell is everywhere, and it might be doing us more harm than good."

To my surprise, she agreed with me. "That's what my pediatrician says. Soap and water is good enough. But what are you supposed to do when soap and water aren't available?"

We talked it out a little more after that. And I have to wonder -- is every conversation a struggle of some kind? That's an exaggeration, of course. But something about it feels right. The idea that silently disagreeing with people isn't enough. I need to speak my side, or lose something.

The meek won't inherit the earth. They'll be pushed to one side by the strong.

My coworker is germ phobic -- opening bathroom doors with paper towels. Maybe I'm conversation phobic -- afraid of the idea germs (memes) infecting me?

Only some memes deserve to be let in. Some thought diseases are fine. It's not about blocking all ideas from getting into my head -- just the ones I can immediately tell are not for me.